There are so many things a gardener wants to find under the tree on Christmas morning. But not another decorative fork and trowel set with floral design handle and little practical use, or that grainy, green organic soap, please

Let's get serious and define gardening up front here, as it relates to the garden owner: the purpose of gardening is to provide you with an agreeable place to drink in, or for the kids to play in while you drink inside and play cards.

Sure, the Somerset Hamper Company makes a very cute gardener's hamper with cute little tools for those who love cute things, but that's not at the heart of what gardens mean to most people:

Drinks Make The Best Garden Christmas Presents

You always know they'll want the same again next year, maybe just a different bottle.

According to Ancient Nordic Wisdom, "Love brings grief in its wake: only alcohol brings happiness."

Top of the list are alcoholic beverages, then tea bags, and coffee whatever you like, depends on whether the recipient has a pod machine these days. It helps to know the drinking preferences of the person you're giving the gift to, is what I'm saying.

Over our combined lifetimes of experience here at Ashridge, we have diligently researched all the drinks in the UK for you, and would you believe it, the best are in Somerset, or right next door:

• Cider: Orchard Pig Reveller or Truffler
• Wine: Biodynamic Chilean Sauvignon Blanc from the Somerset wine company
• Beer: Bristolian Butcombe
• Spirits: Somerset Viking Flavoured Rums & Vodkas, or Butford Cider Brandy & Perry Spirit
• Non Drinker: Buckfast Tonic Wine, it's from Devon so it can't be that strong, anyway it's medicine

For tea and coffee, it's all at Martin Carwardine & Co, fifth generation cuppa mongers. By sheer chance, their best tea, based on the name, is Somerset Tea.

Full disclosure: Ashridge has no business relationship with any of these guys, but we would totally invite them to anyone's BYO picnic.

Food for Everyone is a Great Christmas Present for Gardeners

Of course, it makes sense to buy food for human people. The perfectly balanced food is Somerset Cider Chorizo, which provides all the meatro-nutrients required to sustain a minimum level of beach body.

For people who were born vegan, Westlands Worcestershire Wheatgrass has got you covered.

And that's all fine, but again it misses the point for so many people.
Sure, we go into the garden to recharge our fuel cells with appropriate fluids, and sometimes we do it with other people, but they have to be really nice for it to work long term.

People can be unreliably nice at best, but you don't get that with birds; all the birds talk too, they’ve just got much better things to say, that's why we're talking to the birds all day.

Yes, Somerset grade bird food is the ideal compliment to beverage based presents that feed the gardeners soul.

Which Plants Should I Buy A Gardener for Christmas?

There are two sensible answers here: "serious plants" that they ask for and want, and "you can't be serious plants" that make them laugh, like a mighty Oak sapling for someone with a balcony garden, or possibly hit you, like a Buxom Beauty rose for someone recovering from breast cancer.
Some of you have a gallows sense of humour, we do not judge.

Our range of gift wrapped plants is largely sold out now for Christmas and anyway delivery will be in the New Year. I probably should have said something sooner about that.

To grow your own Christmas tree, you don't have to stick to the classic options that everyone buys as cut trees, the fast-growing and therefore cheap Norway Spruce (the one that sheds quickly indoors), or the slower Nordman Fir, the luxury non-drop tree.

Blue Spruce is much prettier, and though a bit slow growing, a mature Korean Fir is a sensible size for a large Christmas tree you can decorate with a decent step ladder.

Minimum Effort, Maximum Success: The Easiest Christmas Gift for Gardeners

You are feeling tired, traveller. The burden of Christmas gift bearing weighs heavy on you, I can see it in your eyes.

Rest now, and buy a gift voucher from Ashridge for who knows what: they will be fine. You've done all you can, and you need your strength for Christmas dinner.