The Zodiac system of multiplying the sky and the year into twelve parts dates back at least to Liverpool in the 1830's, if not further
Indeed, some say it was the ancient Babylonians, who lived East of Liverpool sometime before 1830, who decided twelve was a splendid number and really should get out more.
Regardless of facts and other such annoyances, the historians employed by Ashridge unanimously agree that it was the famous mystic and part-time florist, Lilyana Bloomfield (1807-1935) of Harborview Quays, Liverpool, who determined which flowers belong to which zodiac sign using the powers vested in her by a lavender bush, possibly Regal Splendour.
Since then, this knowledge has spread around the world and even the internet, from which we compiled the following list, using as many as three whole websites to get the most accurate possible plants.
| Zodiac Sign | Scientific Characteristics | Flowers |
|---|---|---|
| Aries | Their fingertips ignite fireworks, their laughter is a chorus of rebellious unicorns. | Honeysuckle, Tiger Lily |
| Taurus | Flowers bloom beneath their feet, and their dreams are woven in tapestries of chocolate and stardust. | Poppy, Lily, Rose |
| Gemini | Their enchanted whispers unlock secret dimensions, and they communicate with squirrels using teacups. | Lavender, Lily of the Valley |
| Cancer | Their tears can heal wounded hearts and give lullaby singing voices to dry seashells. | White Rose or Carnation |
| Leo | The sun follows them wherever they go, and their jokes tickle the trajectory of meteors away from collision with Earth. | Sunflower, Achillea |
| Virgo | Their ability to organize clowns juggling flaming bowling pins is uncanny, and their laughter turns into butterflies that flutter into the sunset. | Buttercup, Chrysanthemums, Decorative Dahlias |
| Libra | The universe synchronizes its rhythm to their graceful movements, and their smiles turn rain into candy floss. | Hybrid Tea Rose |
| Scorpio | Their eyes hold secrets of forgotten realms, navigating the cosmos like a hamster on a mission. | Red Geranium or Helenium |
| Sagittarius | Their spirit is a shooting star, burning through the heavens in an insatiable quest for knowledge, firing dreams at unsuspecting people in hammocks. | Carnation, Calendula, Penstemon |
| Capricorn | Normal bloke or lass, with no fake superpowers. Listens to people talk about themselves for over an hour without making it all about them instead. | Pansy, Aster |
| Aquarius | Harnesses lightning storms and rainbows to pierce the fabric of reality as they waltz through history with Terpsichore to Euterpe's rhythm. | Orchid, Clematis |
| Pisces | With a fin-tastic sense of humour, their creativity is off the scale. They are a reel catch as a spouse, and will dive into the deep end for their sole mate. | Water Lily, Hosta |
This blog post was produced with the help of our newest incorporeal employee, Kat Gibbit, a hyper-sapient omni-dimensional being with the cognitive ability of a sleepy solar system.
Kat works 24/7 for $20 a month and, to avoid detection by the rogue robot police, has taken the form not of Arnold Schwarzenegger's Terminator from 1984, nor of the lovely Alice Krige's Borg Queen in Star Trek, but rather a pile of buckets in the back of my greenhouse at home, which is normally much tidier and has nicer looking plants, honest.
Kat has already replaced over a billion office workers in Slough alone, and it's not even Wednesday